70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
