Screwed.edu
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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