ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
