Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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