my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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