Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
