i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
