I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
