Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
