Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
