I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
