So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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