Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Green mimosas i think yes
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
