Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
