Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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