You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
