My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
