it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
