I think i peed on brittanys purse
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
