Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Dear god my vagina.
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