I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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