Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize