i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
