Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize