so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
