my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The adults are the big ones right?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
