There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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