Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
