I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
