I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we made out on top of his cat.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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