Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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