if i died would you start the facebook group?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
