Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
