How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
