I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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