So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
