remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
