If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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