maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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