dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
