she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
