This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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