rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
