Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize
