Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
