You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
