i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
