Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I party with great urgency now.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
