Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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