We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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