wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
