I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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