there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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