turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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