dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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