She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
