when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
