Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
