Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
are you so shy because you have an std?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Less talking, more tequila
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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