Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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