TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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