im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
