when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
