His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
