just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sorry my hands just texted you
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
