my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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