Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
