I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
